The Death & Life of Kieren Walker
by pdsanonymous
Summary: What if things had gone differently of our beloved Kieren? Characters & some dialogue is taken directly from In the Flesh, thank you Dominic Mitchell for creating this amazing world :) This was originally going to be a longer story to include Simon, but I've decided to separate them as I wanted to do Simon's story a bit differently. Eventually this will turn into a larger concept.
1. The Suicide of Kieren Walker

Lying against the cold stone surface of the cave wall, I can't help to think of the last time I was here. The last time I saw him, the first and the last time I was _with_ him…

* * *

It was the early bit of summer then, the days warming but still cool enough to wear a light denim jacket. The one I knew Rick liked. We had just finished school a week or so earlier, I had just found out about my scholarship for Art School.

I still had the high about me when I walked toward the entrance of the cave. I would usually be the first one there, but I had been held up with my parents and their questions.

"Where you off to son? Thought you'd want to celebrate?" my dad asked as I bounded to the door. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I did want to celebrate, just not with them. But with _him_.

"Da, he's 18. Wants to celebrate with his mates, not his mum, dad and kid sister." Even at just 14 Jem was quick, always having my back. "Besides dad, I really wanted to watch the Blu-Ray you were going on about." She had gotten Dads attention long enough for me to slip out the door. We shared knowing glance as I left, _thank you._

It was still light out, that early part of the summer when the days are getting just a bit longer. Long enough that I didn't need the torch I instinctively brought along with me. I entered the cave and there he was waiting. I could already see the smile gleaming across his face. He stood up and embraced me warmly, something was different about him.

"Congrats Ren, I'm happy for ya. Brought something to celebrate," he grabbed the bottle sitting next to him, though it was already half empty.

"Started without me, eh?" I grinned at him cheekily. "Guess I'll have to catch up." I snatched the bottle from him and instantly felt the burn of the White Lightning as it made its ways down my throat and into my stomach. In front of anyone else I would have gagged, but I wanted him to think I was better than that, more manly.

We chatted for a while, drank until we couldn't feel the dampness of the cave seeping into our skin. We could hardly see each others' faces as the daylight faded away. I took the matches out of my pocket to light the candles we had kept there for these nights… for our rendezvous'. Before I could finish lighting the candles his hand reached out to mine. I knew that he was the perfect level of intoxicated to want me. He needed it, needed to be numbed ever so slightly to let his walls down. To let the shame his father instilled in him fade away with the light.

He touched my hand in that moment and I knew tonight would be different. He reached up to my face and stared into my eyes before his lips met mine with longing. I placed my hands on his chest, feeling his heart racing with 'd done this before, steamy make-out sessions in the cave where no one could see, but it had always stopped there.

Tonight he pulled me in closer, forcing me to his lap. I couldn't help but to smile through his kisses, as they gained in momentum and passion. Tonight felt different, he felt different.

"Ren" he let slip through gasping breaths.

"Yeah Rick?" I whispered in his ear, as my focus traveled down his neck. His neck was lean but muscular as it met his shoulders, that's where I'd leave my mark. Just where his shirt would meet his neck, so that only he and I would know it was there, the bruise I would leave him. I could feel him through his jeans getting hard. That had usually been where we stopped, so I thought I knew what was coming. He'd push me off say he had to leave and walk away with his head down, leaving me feeling dirty and unwanted. I knew what was coming, but I asked anyway.

"I'm ready."

I stopped my advances for just a moment to look in his eyes, in them I could see that he meant it. He was finally ready, ready for me, ready for us, ready for things I myself wasn't sure I was ready for. But under his affectionate gaze I knew in this moment I was ready too. I kissed him hard on the lips, our tongues meeting each others instantly, like they had never parted.

And just like that we worked our way into a flow that seemed so natural it was a wonder why we had waited so long. He tore off my jean jacket while I worked the buttons of his shirt. In this moment I wish we had worn even less, despite the ever-present chill in the cave. Our lips parted only for a brief second while I pulled my shirt over my head. The way he looked at me now, I wanted him to look at me like that forever. Like there was no one else in the world, not his dad hating me, not his 'girlfriend' he had for appearances sake, not his bloody mates that though I was some useless queer Rick only kept around out of pity. I knew that look would stay with me even after we left this cave, even after we had to face to real world again.

He could tell I was getting lost in my thoughts, as my hand remained still. He grabbed my face with both of his hands, and looked at me with those eyes. The same eyes I had caught staring at me time and time again, no one ever noticing but me. Those eyes went from charged to concerned in this moment as he searched my face, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." And I meant it. Everything was right in the world when it was just us. I kissed his lips gently as I reached for his belt buckle. He smiled and reached for mine in an instant. Before long we were both wriggling out of our pants, nothing between us but a thin layer of cotton boxers. I reached into his and he let out a gasp. I could feel his cock throbbing in my grip as I stroked him. It was the first time I had truly touched him, without denim between us. He was bigger even than I initially thought, I had never even dared sneak a look in the locker rooms at school, as I knew other boys had expected me too, Kieren the queer.

Before I could get lost in my head again, Rick gently pushed me from his lap and down the floor of the cave. He kissed me tenderly on the lips as his larger body hovered above mine. His sensuous lips kissed their way from my lips to the crook of my neck, as his name spilled from my mouth in eager anticipation and my idle hands found their way into his beautifully brown hair. As I continued to moan his name, he continued his way down my body, letting his hands and lips explore every inch of my much thinner, even scrawny frame. But in this moment, any insecurities I had were washed away along with any hesitation I had felt before.

When his rough hands had come to my hips he pulled me toward him, closer. I met his mouth with a fervent kiss, I couldn't wait any longer. He pulled off my boxers as I pulled for his. I had never wanted anything more than I wanted him in this moment.

I had been with one other man before, but it was nothing like this. It was dirty and quick and left me feeling nothing but sore and ashamed that I had lost my virginity in the back of some guy's beat up car. But I was grateful now, now that I had the experience to show Rick exactly what to do, how to do it. I reached for his hand and put his fingers in my mouth, wetting them with my saliva. I guided those same fingers until he was inside of me, one finger working to two. While he slowly loosened me, my hands once again found his shaft and began stroking him slowly. Feeling his moans through our kisses was even better than hearing them echo through the cave. This would have been a terrible time for some innocent hiker to come stumbling upon us, but we didn't care. We'd have given them a quite a show.

"Do you have a—?" I asked in the brief moment I came up for air. His hands left me as they reached for his discarded pants and pulled out the condom I was hoping he'd thought to bring. I grabbed it from his hands and ripped it open without hesitation. In a flash it was on him and he was back on me, _in me_. I gasped, there was some pain in this pleasure, but I reassured him with hasty kisses between his thrusts. He started slowly at first, trying to find his rhythm and mine. But slowly he built up a momentum, a stride so perfect it seemed like we had done this for as long as I had wanted him to. He fucked me just as I had imagined, only better. Sex with Rick was more than sex, it just was.

I then guided his hand to my cock and began stroking. Always the quick learner, his larger hand encompassed mine as we worked together to finish me off while he moved inside me. His name escaped my lips over and over, Rick, Rick, Jesus Rick! With one last thrust of his hips we both finished as he nearly collapsed above me, panting hard. He laid beside me then, as I allowed myself to settle into the crook of his arm exasperated myself. My head found its was to his chest, and I watched his chest rise and fall, attempting to catch his breath post-orgasm. Our breathing was the only sound to fill the cave now, silent in comparison to the moans that had echoed against the walls just seconds earlier.

After nearly 10 minutes of this near silence, I dared to speak first. I didn't want to break whatever spell had just come over us, but I had to know.

"Where did that come from?"

Rick grinned and hugged me closer, "I love you Ren" he said just before bowing his head to plant the sweetest of kisses on my lips.

I was taken aback. I had known I was falling for him, but this was the first time he had ever spoken his feelings, aside from the mutual attraction. Even in the darkness of the cave I could feel myself blush with the requited love. "I love you too."

We stayed like that a while longer, just holding each other until I fell asleep in his arms. I'm not sure how much longer I slept like that, but when I woke up Rick was on the other side of the cave, reaching for his jacket, the last article of clothing he had left to replace.

"Leaving so soon?" I asked, knowing full well that every extra minute he'd spend here with me was another minute of his parents growing suspicious. I looked at my discarded watch; it was nearly midnight, nearly curfew. "I'll see you again tomorrow? We'll do this again tomorrow?" I could hear the longing in my voice but I couldn't help it, I loved him.

"Alright, see you tomorrow." He leaned down and kissed me softly before grabbing his torch and leaving.

I was left smiling, and as I gathered my clothes I couldn't help but to stare at the etching on the opposite wall of the cave. A declaration made weeks ago, on a night that didn't go as far, but meant just as much…**Ren + Rick 4 Ever**.

* * *

I was looking at that etching now, wondering how we had gotten so lost from there to here. Here, me alone with my Swiss army knife sitting by my finger tips, waiting.

* * *

The next day I had waited by the phone, but nothing. I waited and waited through the night, but nothing. By dinner time the following day I was losing my patience. Mum and Jem could see that I was upset, barely touching the lamb, though it was my favorite.

"Is it alright son?" mum asked hesitantly. Knowing that she had made this especially for me as congratulations, I lied.

"Yeah mum, it's great! Just had a big lunch with Jem is all."

"Yup, ate a whole mess of junk food" Jem nodded in reply.

"Shame you two ruined yer appetite, best lamb you've made yet dear!" Dad was always oblivious to the undertones of a conversation. Took everything said at face value, which kept us at a distance emotionally. But tonight, tonight I was grateful for it.

I wasn't sure of how to feel, let alone how to explain to my parents that I had one of the best nights of my life and now the man I had spent it with wasn't calling. I could call him of course, but that was too risky. I hadn't dared to call the Macy household since Bill had banned me a few years prior, saying I was wretched. All over a mix CD… I sat silently through the rest of dinner.

As everyone else was finishing, Jem offered up an escape, "Mum and Dad, why don't you find a film to watch, me and Kier will clean up." She saved me, like she had saved me the night before. As we moved into the kitchen, I knew what was coming; it had been eating her away for the last two days.

"What's up with you Kier? Yer haven't been yer self all day? Let me guess, it's about Rick?"

"Keep your voice down will ya?" This is one conversation I did not want my parents to overhear. I knew this might be too much to tell my younger sister, but she had always known everything that happened between me and Rick, she was the only person I knew I could talk to that wouldn't judge me and wouldn't go blabbing our secrets to all of Roarton. So I told her, in the kitchen while washing the night's dishes, about Rick and I and the night we spent together.

"You mean, _together_, together? Like ya know?" Jem whispered while interweaving her fingers in suggestion.

"Yeah" I laughed in a hushed tone. "But I haven't heard from him since, been two days and not a word."

"Well his dad's a bit of a bigot. Can't you ring his, or creep by his job? Works at the grocery on weekends doesn't he?"

Oh Jem, you sweet beautiful genius! I had totally forgotten that it was even Saturday. I gave her a peck on her cheek and I was off out the door before I could even be bothered with a jacket. I knew that Rick didn't like to be bothered at work, but I had to see him. Maybe his dad had caught on and he couldn't reach the phone, maybe he had to spend a few nights with the lads to wear off any suspicion. As my pace quickened toward the grocery, I realized I was probably acting silly and clingy but I couldn't help it. We couldn't exchange all that we had exchanged two nights ago without as much as a phone call.

Before I knew it I was there at the grocery. Rick would usually be at the back counter, but I could already see his manager Kate there in his place. Trying desperately to even my voice I asked Kate as casually as I could muster, "Hey Kate—Seen Rick round?"

She looked at me confused and cocked her head to the side. Shit, I was too enthusiastic; I had let my true yearning to see him known, shit. But before I could gather an explanation she interrupted "Off to Preston yesterday love, for basic training. Thought you'd know that?"

In an instant I felt my heart rip in half. Preston? Basic training? Yesterday? My mind was in shambles but I couldn't let it show. "Oh right, thought that was next week. Duh, thanks Kate." I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I could feel the heat of the tears welling up.

I took back roads knowing no one could see me like this, falling apart at the seams. I collapsed under the weight of his betrayal and sat myself against the nearest tree. He had up and joined the army without as much as a word. And despite his betrayal, I blamed myself. He joined the army to make his dad proud, to make himself a man in his father's eyes, an image that I had shattered when I had made him that mix CD I entitled, Ren + Rick 4 Ever.

After what seemed like an eternity, playing our nights in the cave over and over in my head, trying to find a sign or a hint at his plan to leave, and finding nothing, I picked myself up off the ground, wiped my eyes and headed toward home. By the time I reached the door I was too drained to even notice that the lights were still on in the house. I sulked halfway through the living room before I even noticed them sitting there.

"Where on earth have you been? Been out half the bloody night without a word! Was 'bought to go out looking for you." It wasn't until then that I looked down at my watch, dad was right. It was nearly morning and I had left without a word.

"Sorry. I just…"

* * *

Even now the pain of him leaving without saying goodbye was raw and harsh. If only that had been it, had only he just joined the army and left it at that. Had I known what pain was to come, I wouldn't have been angry with him then.

* * *

I was grounded for a week after that, though I didn't mind. I couldn't bear to leave my room, let alone the house. I told Jem though what happened. That Rick had left for basic training without saying goodbye, without ever mentioning the army in our endless talks. Her brow furrowed, she had always liked Rick. She didn't know what to say, and I didn't know if there was anything she could say to make me feel any less like shit, so she just hugged me and didn't let go until she knew I'd be okay.

A few days later, I still couldn't face the rest of the world. So Jem brought me up a few things, snacks, some books and some mail. The first thing to cross my eye was a small postcard with Vincent VanGogh on the front. It was from Rick, dated the day before he left, dated the day we had spent the night in the cave.

Dear Ren,

Know this guy is your fave. You're gonna go far.

And I'll be right there next to you, telling dumb jokes and embarrassing you.

This shite with my Dad. I'll sort it. Swear I will.

Rick x

Why would he do this to me? Why would he do this if he knew he was leaving me? Why? Was his way of sorting things with his dad? Running away from us both? My head was flooded but it was then that I noticed a second letter, not addressed to me; it was addressed to the Macy's, Rick's mum and dad.

"Jem, what is this?" I shouted out to her bedroom with tears streaming down my face. Both of my parents were out for the day, so I wasn't worried them overhearing, I repeated myself louder "Jem, what is this?" As she came over to my doorway I held up the letter questioning, barely holding it together.

"Thought you'd like to write him yourself, snatched it from their mailbox. Return address is in the corner." I looked at the letter and she was right. The return address was from Preston, this letter was from Rick. "You're welcome Kier" she smiled as she walked back to her room, satisfied.

I dashed to my desk to start a letter. What would turn into one of many letters, hundreds maybe even thousands.

I kept writing them, even though I never got a response. I'd keep writing them, hoping he'd return one eventually. Jem kept an eye on the Macy mailbox for me too and found out when he went from training to being stationed in Afghanistan. I wrote to him there too, though now he had a reason to not respond. I told myself he was preoccupied with the Army, busy with…things. No matter though, I wrote letter after letter, I kept us going. In my head I kept us alive.

It's November now, the cold creeping in. I know I should have been off to college by now, but if I had left, how could Rick ever return my letters once they'd found him? No, I had to stay put.

That is, until this morning. Until this morning out of the corner of my eye I realized that Rick would never be returning my love letters, that he would likely never read the last one I had written. There it was, sitting on the kitchen counter, The Roarton Daily. On the front page: Roarton local Rick Macy, 20, Cadet of the Kings Regiment, Killed in Action. At first I couldn't even move, the walls felt like they were closing in. Then my dad came into the kitchen and saw where my gaze had rested.

"Aye. Kieren. We didn't know how to tell yer. I know he was yer mate." Dad stepped closer to offer his condolences but I avoided it. I couldn't stomach the news, or the feigned concern. He didn't even know the half of it. I just started running, straight out the door, faster than I thought I could run, and I kept running. I wasn't sure of exactly where I was going, my mind blank yet overloaded all at once, I just let my feet take me there. Until before I know it, I'm here, the last place Rick and I _used to_…

* * *

It's here leaning against the same wall of the cave where he left me on that early summer night that the pain catches up to me. He's gone, gone for good. He's not just left me alone in Roarton, but alone in the world. He was my everything, all I had ever wanted, and more than I had ever deserved. And now he was gone, gone from my life and gone from this world.

With my Swiss army knife in hand all I can think of is Rick and the last words he spoke to me...

_**I'm ready, I love you, see you tomorrow…**_


	2. The Resurrection of Kieren Walker

Just as the knife plunges into my skin and I can feel the blood release from my wrist, I hear something stirring at the entrance of the cave. I'm half expecting, hoping really, that it's Rick…

"Kier, is that you?"

"Christ mum, nearly gave me a heart attack." I try to cover my wrist before she sees the blood trickling from it. The cut was just started, not very deep, but the blood noticeably seeps through my jumper. If she's noticed it or the knife sitting beside me, she's ignoring it for the time being.

"What are you doing here, Kieren?" I stutter trying to find an answer, an acceptable answer as to why I'm here alone in the dark, bleeding. Before I can speak she breaks the silence, "I'm so sorry about what happened to him love. Jem told me everything after you ran off, said you might be here."

I could feel the tears rolling down my face, she knows, she knows everything. She reaches for my hand and its then she notices the blood. She hesitantly and silently lifts the sleeve I had hoped would cover it. "It's not bad mum I swear it, I wasn't going to…" I let the sentence trail off because we both know it's a lie.

She pulls a tissue from her pocket and presses it gently to the wound, trying to assess the damage. Without looking up begins to speak, "I know how it feels, to lose someone. I was going out with this very handsome RAF pilot." She looks up at me now with this slightest hint of a smile, "I know, I never told you. I was so amazed by this man. I had it in my head that we were going to get married, have kids, the whole shebang. Trouble was he had other plans. Namely dumping me and going out with my best friend who he deemed more socially acceptable. I was devastated, inconsolable. I thought that was it, the end. I'd never find anyone who got me so completely again. I quit college and came home. One night, I decided I was going to end it all. I snuck out the house and went to the late night chemist. But the fella on the counter point blank refused to serve me. So I burst into tears right there in the shop. He was so kind this fella, even though he wouldn't serve me, he took me in the back, made me a cup a tea and he listened. And I talked, all through his shift. I talked and he listened. And he made me laugh too. That's something you don't know about your Dad, he's very funny when he wants to be."

She's still smiling, even through the tears running down her face. "Let's get you some help Kier. And then we'll talk, me, Jem, your Dad, we'll all listen." She pulls me into a hug and I don't resist it. Maybe our pain isn't quite the same, but she knows exactly what I was planning on doing there in the cave. I was planning on leaving her, and Jem, and Dad. Not even thinking of their feelings.

She grabs the torch and leads me out of the cave her arm around mine, guiding my way. We walk out to the edge of the woods to the road where the car is waiting.

"Where's dad?"

"He's at home worried sick, he wanted to come but I told him not to. He doesn't know how much Rick meant to you, but you can tell him for yourself after we're home. Jem will be glad to see too you Kier."

* * *

She drives me to the Emergency where I get stitched up. Mum lies for me and says it was an accident, knows I'd end up in the Psych ward if we told the truth. "Filleting a fish he was, just slipped the knife is all." I nod in agreement, but keep my head down. Truth be told the nurse says I'm lucky, had the cut been any deeper or longer I could have bled out. Mum and I share a glance knowing that that was my exact intention. She kisses my forehead lovingly, "we're all lucky." The nurse smiles sweetly and hands me by discharge orders: keep the wound bandaged, change the bandage every day, and be more careful with Swiss army knives. I feign a smile, but I can't wait to be out of there.

When we pull in the carport I know what's waiting. The lights are still on, I'm not sure I'm ready for this.

"I didn't tell him Kieren. When I called to tell him I found you, I didn't tell him about, you know." My mum is lying for me. She's hidden the whole incident from my dad and I don't know whether to be relieved or ashamed. "It wasn't my place. If you want to tell him together we can. Tell Jem tomorrow though, she should be in bed by now." Jem, I didn't think about Jem. Telling my dad seemed like it would be easy in light of the confession mum made in the cave. They had met when she herself was about to do that same thing. But Jem—how do you tell your 14 year old sister that you were going to leave her behind. I feel sick all over again, how did I not think of Jem?

I shuffle into the living room, where only dad is awake waiting for us. He hugs me straight away, only noticing the bandage as we part. "What happened son?" He grabs my wrist and hugs me again. I notice now that my dad is more perceptive than he seems. He can see that I'm tired, that I don't have to words. "We can talk about it in the morning, yeah?" I can hear it in his voice, that he's fighting back tears. Tears that he didn't see what was happening in his son until now, tears that he hadn't noticed the pain in his son's face these past months. I can't blame him though, and he can't blame himself. I didn't want anyone to notice.

As I climb the stairs ready for bed, the one person who notices everything is there waiting at the top of the steps for me. She looks small now, half asleep tucked against the top railing, "Hey Kier", she mumbles in a drowsy tone.

"Hey Jem." I reply, sitting next to her there. There is silence between us until I can gather the courage, "Thanks Jem. Thanks for telling mum about Rick. Thanks for telling her where to find me."

"Sorry Kier, I know that was your special place with Rick but I was scared. I just wanted to make sure you were okay." She's slightly more awake now, sitting up some. I can hear what sounds like regret in her voice, like she thinks I might have been annoyed with her.

"Don't be sorry Jem, don't ever be sorry. You saved my life tonight." I raise my sleeve to show her the bandage, with dried blood at its edges. She delicately smooths the bandage as if to make sure it's real.

"Why Kier?" The tears well up in her eyes instantly as the pain is written all over her face.

"I'm sorry Jem." I reach for her and hug her tightly, wishing I hadn't been the cause of this pain for her. We stay like this at the top of the stairs for a while longer, not breaking the embrace until our eyes blood shot and we're both out of tear to cry.

* * *

I spend the remainder of the fall and the following winter seeing a therapist. Talking about Rick and how we loved each other, how we couldn't be together, not properly. Talking about him leaving without a word, about his death I had to read about in the paper. Talking about how I almost left too, also without a word. I talk and they listen. The therapist even brings in my family so we can talk together, share the things we'd never even hinted at before. Mum's previous depression and suicidal thoughts and actions. Dad's feelings of inadequacy and always being in fear that mum would always love that RAF pilot more than him, or that she might try to hurt herself again one day. Jem being scared to tell about Rick and I and thinking she would, and still could, lose me forever. We talk about the good things too though, about how I can put my emotion into my art, express myself in a healthy way. Talk about how mum and dad never would have found each other without that past pain, and how they're happier now than ever. Even talk about Jem's school girl crushes; turns out she has a little boyfriend of her own, Henry.

We're finally getting on not just as a family, but as something closer, as friends. That's why it's hard when I know I have to go off to college in the fall. After endless therapy sessions, we had gone away on a spring break holiday, as a reward for as well as we'd done. It was when we came back to Roarton in that early summer heat that I knew. I knew I couldn't stay here, continuing to live where I knew everything by heart, where Rick was around every corner. The trail we would take home from school where I'd try to sneak kisses, the grocery he'd spent his weekends behind the counter with me staring at him from an aisle over, the bedroom I had adorned with his photos and the portraits I drew while he posed trying not to laugh, the pathway that lead to the cave where I last saw him, touched him, said goodbye to him, where I had tried to end my own life. I couldn't be here. So when the fall came round I left. Mum and Dad knew it was best. Jem made me promise to let her visit soon and to send letters.

So I went to art school like he had hoped I would, knowing that he would still be right there next to me.


End file.
